The Wrong Kind of Hard

It shouldn't be this hard, people. It shouldn't!

But enough is enough.

1.         Below is required reading for network/studio suits, immature mature actresses, shameless spin doctor hucksters, and obstinate executive producers.

http://snuff007.tumblr.com/post/38308837302/r-i-p-jane-rizzoli

Major kudos to this brilliant writer for her spot-on polemic; I am in absolute awe and agreement.

2.         Just when I thought the season three finale of Rizzoli & Isles couldn’t possibly be any worse than the season two finale… thanks for proving me wrong, Janet Tamaro! I understand it’s not easy being one of the few female power players in the industry but this is exactly why you need to do much, much better.

Unlike the first two seasons which were appointment television for me, I’ve only watched about half of the episodes this season on DVR out of misguided curiosity and nostalgia.

Sadly, I will not be making that same mistake again: (

The incredible season one finale ended with Jane firing her gun through herself to get the bad guy and save her brother. It faded out with Jane and Maura sharing an earnest look with each other.

The ridiculous season two finale ended with Jane firing her gun through Maura’s big bad bio dad. It faded out with Jane and Maura sharing an anguished look with each other.

Now, this bucket of dreck known as the season three finale ended without Jane using her gun in an anticlimactic moment with everybody alive (yet again) and a cursory acknowledgment of her LLBFF. It faded out with Jane and Maura’s lingering, wistful look not on each other but on the Treacle Toy Soldier as he hobbles off into the handicapped parking section.

Too bad the surgeons can’t perform a dual TV miracle procedure on him to restore his ability to walk and make him ejaculate chocolate diamonds at the same time!

Jane acts like she would rather take out the garbage for the whole precinct instead of lending a “shoulder to cry on” for her supposed best friend who is dealing with a deep emotional crisis – forget that said friend lets the entire Rizzoli family crash at her place.

Currently, this once dynamic duo is only allowed to show a scintilla of affection:

a. in the wake of a massive calamity

b. when they are whining over dudes

c. when they are whining over dudes in the wake of a massive calamity

And the “chicks before dicks” tenet which once made this show so strong has entirely vanished.

But we got FROST’S MOM.

Sorry Rizzles fans, after outright gay baiting you for years, it’s totally on the super straight and narrow now for our leading ladies. But instead of bringing on a cute lezzoli cousin or hot bi female dick (as in detective), here is your colorful consolation prize – two old boxes of stereotypically stale Mac & Cheese! Thanks for playing along and making our show great but you are no longer needed. Now, take your token crumb and toss off.

Do y’all feel like a valued audience member or a used condom?

Let’s compare R&I to some of its crime-solving contemporaries...

Castle & Beckett:         Consummated.
Bones & Booth:            Consummated.
Annie & Auggie:           Semi-consummated with a deep kiss.

Detect the glaring hetero pattern here? So, it’s okay for straight fans to get excited and invested with male and female characters for the big payoff but we should only be in it for the fantasy or the giggles and grins. What year is this?

Let’s substitute another word here instead of ‘gay.’

“It’s the most Asian non-Asian show on television.”

Offended yet? You should be!

I understand it’s a business and it’s difficult to sell a gay lady show into syndication in this country, let alone the rest of the world. But I also wonder what television would look like today if the courage to put “The Jeffersons” on in the 1970s had never happened. Is Shonda Rhimes the only one with a spine in this decade?

By the way:

banter: to speak to or address in a playful, witty and teasing manner

bicker: to engage in a petulant or petty quarrel

Who wants to see a show saturated with the latter? I guess the target audience is now 14 and 80 year olds instead of my age bracket with the solid careers and the discretionary income.

Ever since the death of Hoyt (unless they try to bring him back to life out of sheer desperation), there has been no suitable nemesis for Original Badass Jane. It’s basically been Pseudo Grumpy Jane dealing with her crazy family, busting boring perps, belittling her best friend at every chance, and mooning over men like a hormonal teenager.

And instead of exploring the morally ambiguous minefield of Maura and her father’s Irish mob connections, we get an overused encyclopedia, recurrent hives, and the reduction of serious topics like live organ donation and what it means to be an adopted child into soap opera piffle.

Woefully, a once-promising cop drama with a potential romantic twist has now devolved into a silly, corny, cartoonish melodrama – a total 180’ of what it was in the first season. And Angie’s charismatic chemistry and Sasha’s PR charm offensive only work wonders for so long.

3.         Subtext, for me, has become the curious girl who never goes beyond second base; it’s an intriguing challenge at first until it quickly turns into an exasperating bore. Then one day you finally see the light and dump her pathetic ass.

Subtext worked well in the 90s because it was the 90s and there weren’t a whole lot of other options. With a historic election behind us and 2013 right here, our television representation continues to be supporting characters buried three levels deep in an ensemble series or pansexual mythical monsters.

Are you fucking kidding me???

That is why it is supremely sadistic for R&I or any show to keep using subtext as a cheap ploy for loyalty and buzz when there is never any intention of follow through. It is the equivalent of black face as others have pointed out and we deserve better. Instead of endlessly echoing these hollow words, we need to find other assertive methods of getting the message across.

And that brings us to the problem with fan fiction. It has become a double-edged sword for our community. On one hand, it satisfies the need to see two adored female characters together in a romantic capacity. On the other, by getting fanfic writers like me to carry the torch, it allows the studio/network to avoid social responsibility by default.

In other words, if you want the dream of Jane and Maura or Emma and Regina or Xena and Gabrielle or _____ and _____ together, you can DIY and find it online. For free.

Meanwhile, everyone associated with a successful television show is definitely not making Olive Garden wages. With so many successful and smart “sisters” in the biz, it baffles me as to why someone cannot sponsor some kind of alternative consortium or profitable business model.

Anyway, I’m afraid I can no longer support R&I by doing their job for them. Self Control is at the halfway point and will be finished but then it is done. I am not done writing; I am just done writing for these types of shows while the powers behind them choose to remain sealed in platinum towers.

Thank you for reading my words and please never stop fighting for more – we have a long, long way to go!

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/3342762/SlyNellie

What’s wrong with this picture?

My mother has impeccable fashion sense. She has a true talent for knowing exactly what looks amazing on the human body and how to wear it well. Her best advice to me when I was younger and it still rings true today is “never dress yourself as something you are not, you come off looking foolish if you do.” Please see the picture below.

I’m not saying that Angie and Sasha aren’t beautiful women in these photos but it’s so totally the wrong look for both of them.

Angie: Your husband and his linebacker buddies would be more feminine in this dress! I suspect there is a part of you that secretly wishes to be Kristin Chenoweth. But you aren’t and you never will be. Please make peace with it.

Sasha: Stay far away from belt buckles, forever! No, seriously. And the same goes for the rest of this too macho ensemble. The only time butch looks good on you is when you are wrapped in your husband’s arms. Or your current co-star’s.

Now, if both of these ladies switched styles, they would look right. Perfect, actually…

The bigger point I’m trying to make is that when something tries to be something it isn’t, it just doesn’t work.

Rizzoli & Isles is not:

• the only nor the best crime drama on TV
• the only show with strong, smart female characters
• the only show depicting female friendship
• the only show created and written by a woman

Rizzoli & Isles is (or, at least it was in the first season) a flirty, funny show with phenomenal co-lead chemistry that usually knows how to balance itself. If this new season mirrors what it did in Season 1, it will be dressed for success.

However, if this season mirrors Season 2 with the placating pandering, the tonality whiplash, and the meat puppet parade, then it will not only look foolish but completely out of character. And it simply will not work. This should never be a boring straight show – please don’t let it become one!

Thanks; )

Hooker vs. Escort

Yep, I'm unfortunately reading the tea leaves like the rest of you and they don't look too promising. I will, however, hold off on passing final judgment until I catch a few of the new episodes. But if Season 3 is a Season 2 redux, adios & au revoir for good!

Now, I'm not totally opposed to the undercover prostitute costume (I would have preferred Jane in a sexy beat cop uniform) but if they are going to dress the stunning Angie Harmon as a hooker, make her look like this! And I threw in a shot of the heavenly Sasha Alexander to show what a high-end escort might look like... you know, in case Maura had to go "undercover" with Jane; )

And it's just way easier to post all my stories here:

http://www.fanfiction.net/~slynellie

Marching Orders

For those who wrote to me on fanfiction.net, thank you very much for your kind words and wishes. For those of you in particular worried about certain situations in Self Control, I just want to say I do understand it completely, I totally get it, and I’m right there with you.

PLEASE read the chapter and the story all the way through before you draw conclusions. I wrote the ending before I even finished the first chapter and I can say with exceeding confidence that you will not be disappointed.

There absolutely will be a happy ending for Jane and Maura together in my story but we have long way to go and you need to trust me and be patient. I know it’s rather difficult to believe when we keep getting betrayed by the Hollywood establishment.

Thankfully, I am not a part of that incestuous cesspool; )

Thanks to you readers for keeping me creative.

Thanks to my ex for forever haunting my cab rides.

Thanks to Tess Gerritsen for giving birth two complex characters named Jane Rizzoli and Maura Isles.

Thanks to Janet Tamaro for giving Jane and Maura a new slant and bringing them to television.

Most of all, thanks to Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander for bringing them to ‘life’ and letting us play along.

Enjoy!

Taking a Flying Leap

“Wait… WHAT???”

I have found myself saying these words more than usual lately. On the job is one thing but in others areas of life, it’s even more bothersome. Everything I’m reading, watching, listening to, and dealing with has me constantly shaking my head ergo straining my neck.

So, instead of emptying the liquor cabinet or chocolate drawer, I have decided to search for diamonds in a dung pile or – at best – cubic zirconium in a shit stalactite.

And this was the best I could come up with:

Ah, the joys of juxtaposition and sexy sweaters!

Even after that tawdry, ‘Wait… WHAT???’ train wreck of a season two finale, I still truly miss Angie Harmon as Jane Rizzoli and Sasha Alexander as Maura Isles.

Unfortunately, I deeply dread what is coming in season three.

Therefore, I have decided to whip up two more fanfics before the fade is finalized. One will be a raunchy satirical romp while the other will be a much deeper, darker tale of anguish… but with a happy ending.

Why?

1. Because I can!

2. I was asked to ever so sweetly; )

3. I need an excuse to get Jane and Maura into this car:

I would like to say it’s for far nobler reasons like having Jane admitting she’s gay and Maura admitting she’s in love. Those two scenarios will happen. But honestly, it’s about the car – and other things we will most likely never ever see happen on this show.

The story postings will be sometime this weekend on fanfiction.net because I’m too damn lazy to fuck around with formatting issues here. Sorry.

A PARTING SHOT/THOUGHT

Okay, I deliberately gave myself a month to step away from R&I to see if I was overly critical or my perspective would change (plus, the start of a new year/business quarter is always extremely hectic).

I sampled other shows. Singing/lying teenagers, lusty Canuck monsters, and soap operas en español y otros idiomas just don’t cut it for me because I don’t want to sit and sift through ensemble shit in order to get to the paltry good stuff.

So, I forced myself to watch the season two finale of R&I again and, um, I’m sticking with my original reaction…

WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK WAS THAT???

No, seriously. What was that? Someone please explain it to me because I’m confused. And sad. And angry.

The level of foppery only grew. Allow me to demonstrate the bêtise with faux dialogue:

Jane: “I’m so sorry I most likely fatally shot your biological mob boss father for a weak excuse, at best, while your mega rich adopted mother, after being run down by a rogue firefighter, is fighting for her life in ICU because she saved your life by pushing you out of the way.”

Maura: “I’m so sorry my mob boss biological father shot the FBI dude (and potential baby daddy if this show parallels the book series) you chose to bang all night instead of being by the side of your “best friend” who was almost run down by the aforementioned rogue firefighter and whose mega rich adopted mother continues to fight for her life in ICU. By the way, weren’t you supposed to be involved with a soldier dude? Slut! Now, let’s hug it out, hit the reset button, and be LLBFFs again because even the straight audience won’t tune in to a show where the two leads despise each other.”

Jane: “Yay!”

Maura: “Yay, now help me find my evil twin!”

Jesus, all we need is for Jane and Maura to open up a winery and it’s fucking Falcon Crest 2.0 -- while you’re at it, dig up Jane Wyman for Korsak’s new love interest why dontcha?

Honestly, I expected more from Janet Tamaro. Unlike the Rob Taperts and Joss Whedons of the producer world, my fellow possessor of Fallopian tubes should have done better.

And you still can, Janet. It’s not too late. PLEASE, for the love of God, think long and hard during this hiatus about the direction of season three. Hire some new writers, a better showrunner, and be willing to sacrifice some of the supporting players who are pretty much cluttering up the screen and taking precious minutes away from our gals (I’m directly giving you the stink eye, Lorraine Bracco)!

Now, I would love to chalk this up to a sophomore slump if you commit to making the remaining few seasons count. Let’s face it, this show won’t be lasting a decade like some other ones that are just crying out to be euthanized. One or both actresses will pull a Kyra Sedgwick and say ‘see ya’ and rightly so. Let’s hope R&I recaptures some of that lost glory before they do and before we do.

Several years ago, I finally reached that plateau where watching straight chick drama simply wasn’t enough anymore. By pure accident, I found out about the R&I premier and this show lured me back for a bit. That being said, I’m not about to sit around for six seasons wishing and hoping for microscopic morsels and a satisfying resolution; those days are done. Fool me once…

Finally, here’s to two of the most beautiful women to ever walk the face of the earth, combined with the glory of flash photography and mesh -- enjoy; )

LEMON HARANGUE PIE

After the season two finale of “Rizzoli & Isles,” I felt the need to expand on my previous comments a little more.

Why? Because when you care enough about something, whether it’s as grand as another human being, or as trivial as a basic cable show, you should always communicate your feelings instead of letting apathy dictate the demise.

And because I hope that beating a dead horse will one day become an Olympic sport.

This series is about two, not-super-young, unmarried, childless, female professionals who live in Boston. Now, could someone please explain to me how any part of that sentence even remotely courts a conservative fan base? Do they really expect this show to be the New England version of “Army Wives?” Really?

And that’s not just a Jane really, that’s a Seth & Amy one, too!

Especially, after the powers that be rode subtext as its favorite two-dollar whore for the entire first season. R&I deliberately played that card, it sure did.

If you don’t believe me, feel free to borrow my first season DVD and pick an episode, any episode. Oh, and the blooper outtake where the talent groped and almost kissed each other (playfully so, but still). That never had to see the light of day. And the speed dating promo could have easily ended before the across the table, doe-eyed toast. It didn’t.

You see, I highly doubt Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander sat in a Starbucks one day and said, “Hey, you know what would be totally fun? Let’s flirt with each other like crazy on camera and see what happens!”

The producers, writers, directors, talent, publicists, and network were all complicit in this. Any director without cataracts saw exactly what we saw and could have easily said, “Whoa, ladies, that came off more than a little lezzy, you might want to bring that down a bit.”

Instead, they ran with it. And so did we.

Does anyone truly believe that Hollywood wouldn’t capitalize on an opportunity to spike a new female lead series with subtext/lesbian innuendo in order to generate buzz and build ratings? Please, say yes to that with a straight face. I love it when smoke is blown up my ass while staring into a funhouse mirror.

However, it’s ultimately up to each one of us if we want to participate. Tiptoeing around the terms “flack” and “shill” and then suddenly screaming j’accuse at the top of our lungs is a circle jerk that has already been played and it’s pretty pointless.

R&I’s magic lies in the chemistry between the two leading ladies when they interact. And it’s simply not projecting when even the hetero crowd picks up on it. As I have mentioned before, there are tons of cop shows, more than a few female friendship shows, but zero girl-on-girl versions of “Moonlighting.”

This show had the unique potential to be that. Instead, any traces of tenderness or caring (forget flirting) have vanished and it makes me wonder if the actresses have had some kind of falling out in real life and it’s coloring their performances? If so, ladies, get over it quickly. There’s a reason it’s called acting and not neurosurgery.

There were a couple of recent winter episodes where our leads could have done some serious dancing together. We know these women know how to walk/work a rhythm and there is nothing on TV more entertaining than that (hold on, Sarah Palin as a guest star who is held captive in the Old North Church by a designer of Kwanzaa cards could be fun). But the show stayed away from that possibility on purpose.

The character of Jane has been downright grumpy this season and mean to the character of Maura – not cute bickering, not sexy bantering, but belittling bordering on berating. Of course, it didn’t help that the show reduced the sophisticated yet quirky Dr. Isles of season one into more of a nine-year-old girl encyclopedia this season. It’s rote and ridiculous.

A friend of mine suggested that maybe the show was deliberately making Detective Rizzoli hostile because she was coming to terms with her homosexuality. I seriously considered it for a nanosecond and then I laughed heartily for a minute. There’s no way this show is capable of being that deep, sorry! But, I’d love to eat crow -- I have a lovely chutney recipe to go with it.

Unfortunately, so many of us were elated over Maura’s, “…I love you” proclamation that we forgot a very important preposition: in. ‘I love you’ is said all the time without real meaning. In fact, I said it to last week to the bakery dude when I was three cents short and he comped my custard tart.

To those who keep harping on the, “They were never gay to begin with” argument, well, there are more than a few fictional characters and real people who started out straight and then saw the rainbow. I’m one of them. And I am demanding more of this show. If we don’t demand it here, where or whom do we exactly demand it of? The backyard fence? The grocery store checker? It’s 2012, not 1995.

Season three will make it or break it for me and a more than a few others. There might be a way to salvage this show if it is brave enough to go there. I propose split custody of Jane and Maura. The straight audience, Tess Gerritsen, and the GOP can have Jane/Angie. We’ll happily claim Maura/Sasha.

I think the TPTB were shrewd enough to appoint the adorable Ms. Alexander/Mrs. Ponti as LGBT ambassadeur extraordinaire et plénipotentiaire for the show based on her tweets alone. All that time in Geneva is paying off in spades, sweetheart!

I also believe a graduate of the prestigious USC film school knows how to separate her personal life from her professional one and would have no trouble playing gay (see Greg the Bunny). This chica even made Tom Sizemore likeable in a film, now that’s beyond Oscar worthy.

With the demise of the Jane/Maura pairing, it’s time for Dr. Isles to get an honest-to-goodness girlfriend. Not a one-off dinner date but a serious, multi-episode romantic arc with another woman. It’s essentially the only way to save this show for me and I'm pretty sure Sasha would be able to handle it -- I know the rest of us would, too.

My personal nominees for Maura’s girlfriend: Michelle Forbes as a firefighter who would out-butch Jane with her big hose and Megan Follows as the boarding school bosom friend turned BCU linguistics professor… okay, I need to stop now. You get the idea.

If the show is unabashedly using this rift to end R&I as we know it and send both characters separately skipping off down the road to Straightsville, then may this be a two-pronged lesson:

1. To future producers tempted to press the subtext button because it’s cheap and easy and the internet absolves you of all your social responsibility, please don’t! There will be consequences and there will be backlash. We might not burn down a carport but our time and money will be better spent elsewhere.

2. To future producers tempted to make the absolute gay version of this show, please do! It’s not only a clarion call, wake-up call, booty call, whatever kind of call you want to call it, it’s the smart thing to do. Save your vegan restaurants (we’re meant to be carnivores for a reason) and put pride for the cause before profit for the corporation.

I apologize if this comes off as incredibly shallow but I’m going to say it anyway. If we wanted to watch ugly people doing it, we’d all be gathered around the windows of the local Motel 6 every night instead of our TVs.

All we genuinely want are two interesting characters portrayed by smoking hot actresses who have mad romantic chemistry, a half-assed story, and then be allowed to act upon that chemistry on screen. It is an insanely simple formula but everyone treats it like multivariable calculus. Stop it!

Finally, let me end my rant with one more peeve. This show is set in fucking Boston. It’s fucking cold in Boston. I haven’t been back there in a few years but I recently spoke to my cousin and it is wicked fucking cold in Boston. I know this show doesn’t have much of a budget but maybe Toyota could pony up for a couple of fucking coats and a couple of fucking scarves.

Thanks for reading; )